The first person I ever dated had never been with another guy sexually, not only that, he had never kissed another person in his life. 'What an opportunity to share first experiences and continue sharing them for ever and ever and ever.' I thought. I learned a lesson from that… when I was the first date, first kiss, and first sexual experience to someone; that's all I was. I was not special, I was just experience, a freshly painted hurdle they had the pleasure of jumping over. And we can't expect them to feel any differently, you've just wet their lips, confirmed their sexual feelings about the same sex, and now they're ready to see if they can snag one of those bulging 23 year old Internet guys with nipple-clips. ... it's the natural step #2, of course.

For me, since I lived in a small town in Colorado, the only way I could meet guys is online... because asking out cute guys in Gym class would have got me more than a black eye in the parking lot. I don’t know what I would have done without the Internet to meet guys, even though I seriously dislike talking online; Conversations waste away and important points are lost when not missed all together. The success of a conversation is reduced to a simple task: Waiting for a response. It’s terrible on my heart; I already have a hell of a time communicating, why hinder it more by using one of the most inefficient methods I’ve ever experienced? I think it’s ridiculous to sit there, expose your soul, and then wait excitedly for someone to respond with a stupid colon and a right parenthesis smile. Or if you really amuse them you receive an acronym symbolizing laughter in response; it reduces us to the intelligence of laboratory chickens, it’s disgusting. I refuse to talk to anyone I care about via IM’s, they are destructive to a relationship, they make everything cliché, and everything is far too easily misinterpreted. However, meeting gay people online usually requires the use of IM’s, and for that limited purpose, I suppose they are fairly important. Without them, you can go to clubs and dance until your neck snaps off, but going to a place where guys show their interest in each other by grabbing one another’s crotches is not my idea of fun. Certainly sucks the romance right out of it. Cheers to AOL though, which has created a safe place where gay people can meet others, even if the chat rooms are a little disgusting. It just seems like a very "I’m gay, your gay, lets have sex" kind of atmosphere. It often seems like guys are trying to fill a void with sex, like they are asserting their homosexuality by having more intimacy than normal with other guys. What if the only time we can feel that our sexuality is TOTALLY accepted is when we are intimate with another guy? Think about that one. I think it’s true; mingle in the homosexual social circles all you want, until gay people are no longer feared, in this world the only total gay acceptance comes in the form of intimacy.

I'm the most independent person you'll ever meet, I have the most fun alone in my car armed with a Wendy's Frosty, or locked away in a room alone in the house... but after I had broke up with someone, and then someone else, and found out that number 6 was quite using me, and found out that number 4 was really bi and had no intention of building a relationship, and so fourth, I focused on my own life. I dropped the dating and focused all my energy on my own life, but that didn't last long. The temptation was too great when all guys had to do was check out my profile and send me an email. The unhappiness that I experienced from being alone came from feeling like I had failed at dating... I wasn't lonely, I was just upset that I couldn't "pass" the test I had created for myself. I was trying to get a desired result from dating, like an experiment; and I knew I could, and that's when the total number of guys I dated skyrocketed. I was going through guys like ice cream sandwiches. That wasn't healthy, and it just made me feel like I was failing more. I have come to the conclusion (and you can blow this one off if you wish) that you can "draw" higher quality guys to you than you can seek out. Gay friends told me "you'll find him when you're not looking". Well that's nonsense, - I say "he'll find you when you're living in the truth." All we have to do is make sure that other gay guys know we're gay too, so they're not afraid to approach us. Of course some occasions do call for an aggressive stance though. ;)

When I first started dating I thought that I wanted a relationship, the same kind Dharma and Gregg had, only with me being Dharma. I expected to find someone easily and that there was going to be this godlike force that regulated all of the different areas of our relationship. Instead, I found out how easily two people who are sexually curious, and who are both male, in an enclosed space, sometimes forget about regulations. I once said that sex on the first date was the fastest way to end all hope of a relationship ever developing, and as right as I thought I was, I wasn't. I met several great guys that way though, one particularly special one who had convinced me over the phone that we would meet and just "sleep next to each other". I met him and we both decided it was way too difficult to sleep next to each other when sleeping on top of each other came so naturally to us.

Either we find someone who is exactly like us, or we find someone who can embrace our differences (and I promise the former will be an impossible task)… and that is true for everyone. And when I say "is like us" I don't mean they play soccer, or eat fish, or read People Magazine, or things like that; I mean they have "a compatible soul" in the sense that they can love our differences. What a recollection; dating was terrifying, most guys I dated might as well have spoken a different language, the barrier would have been just the same. Sex is sex, but acceptance magic. Compatibility is sought after, but misunderstood; it's not about liking sushi, or being a great dancer, or believing in Santa Claus; it's a capacity to love a soul, and until we let everything else fall away we're destined to miss the whole point. I've always tended to lean towards the older guys because they have things figured out; I once wrote that dating frequently made me feel like "a freshly painted hurdle they had the pleasure of jumping over." It's taken me a while to realize that I owed it to myself to shoot for people who have an idea of what they want, who aren't just looking for a 'homo-primer'. Hence the large quantity of guys in their 20's who started showing up in my life.

I have been very lucky regardless of the fact that I've made a few less-than-wise decisions, and I'm very thankful. In each of the relationships I've had, or simply the few dates I've had with some; no matter how or why it ended, I'm glad to have had each of those experiences. I'm glad to know what’s out there, I'm honored to have been recently shown what a gay relationship could be, and I'm thrilled that I can say I've actually grown as a person from all of this… Otherwise it's just discouraging, but as long as we don't let ourselves be torn down as we date people, we're learning what we want in a relationship, and learning what a relationship is. We are NOT supposed to be learning what we must demand from a partner; we are only allowed to demand two things, commitment and an ample flow of respect. Just those, which means that demanding someone pick a new favorite Spice Girl… is out. Acceptance, love, commitment, respect, and a cute smile. Excellent.